Dumb Jokes

[Kat_Mac]

Nominated as best short joke this year ...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

[burns]

Thanks Kat, I needed a good laugh.

[burns]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey,
They talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a
nearby table,
Who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes
Apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
Yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[Kat_Mac]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are
dumb...
------------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

--------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumor

_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

__________________


A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A PRAYER.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death. AMEN

__________________________________________________ ___________

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
on the ground?

A: Shoot him again.

____________________________________________

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

______________________________________________

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

____________________________________________

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A
: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

__________________________________________________ ________

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
__________________________________________________ ___________

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

__________________________________________________ ___________

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.

__________________________________________________ ___________

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[burns]

A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker about speeding, and in generaly gave the biker a hard time.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,

"Hard to fool them flies though."

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b135/burns420/666bighorselaugh2jpg7eu.jpg

[crash]

Well Kat, I think you like hamering on men but they are funny to a degree since there is some truth. Anyway here is my contribution:

A nurse was walking down the hall of a retirement home when a old man yelled at her. She asks "what is wrong?" The old man replied "My peter died today." She said she was sorry and continued on. The next day she is walking down the hall and glances into the old mans room only to see him seating on the edge of his chair with his dick hanging out. She says " Do you realize that you are exposing yourself?" and he replies
"Well, today is the Veiwing."

[burns]

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[burns]

December 9, 2005 (CNN)

While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper

skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when

shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and

replied, "Recoil."

[Mike]

December 9, 2005 (CNN)

While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper

skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when

shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and

replied, "Recoil."

:lol: Brilliant!

[Kat_Mac]

This one I like to call "My Life with Mike."

http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester/jhhs/math/humor/comics/computer/newc2.jpg

[SUM650]

Come on, he's not that bad! Now if that were a motorcycle magazine, well I could kinda understand.

[burns]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea
of bras in every shape, size, color and material
imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are
really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady
replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would
you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the
differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite
simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
the letters stood for, it is about time you became
informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enorm! ous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen!

[ccs273]

damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was pretty good

[Red_R6]

Thanks for the laugh...I needed that one!


Funny stuff guys and gals!

[Red_R6]

This one I like to call "My Life with Mike."

http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester/jhhs/math/humor/comics/computer/newc2.jpg

That was cute, Ms. Kat!

In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer then found his young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

[burns]

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

[SUM650]

That was a good one Burns. Everyone who sends those stipid chain emails needs to see this.

[burns]

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[Kat_Mac]

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1kilo of escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of
boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to STOP doing so, it has been scientifically proven that it is
UNHEALTHY and BAD for you.

WATER = SHIT
ALCOHOL = HEALTH

Free yourself of SHIT, drink ALCOHOL!!!
It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

[DragonFZ6]

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"




Little Johnny walked in on his mom and dad having sex.
"Daddy what are you doing to mommy?" he asked.
His father replied "I am filling mommy's gas tank"
Johnny said " you might want to get a model that gets better mileage, the mailman filled her this morning"




Married men don't really live longer than single men. It just seems longer.





Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a
man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with
the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity
and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.


Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it
was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then
off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some
more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking
lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to
drive slowly down the road.


The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer
test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence
of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!


Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment
must be broken."


"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Kat_Mac]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says," I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[burns]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Red_R6]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?"
__________________


I thought this one was pretty funny!

[Red_R6]

Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably playing golf with his friends .......

__________________________________________________ ___________

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies,"Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
__________________________________________________ ___________


Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large
sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?


We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you get on ! your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third
bar!"

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in
a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection,
he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and
no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I
understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to
his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on
it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?

"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he
was stationed there he received a letter from his
girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept
with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to
break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would
do. He went around to all his buddies and collected
all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed
about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend
with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but
please take the one that belongs to you and send the
rest back."

[burns]

MEDICAL BREAK THROUGH



A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is being considered a major break through and will solve a perennial problem. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

:lol:

[chrissy29902]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

guilty of #5

[Mike]

SOCIAL TIPS FOR REDNECKS


In General...


1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.


Dining Out



1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.



Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in
private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.



Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.


Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.


Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[chrissy29902]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $105.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS

[burns]

Life is tough...It's tougher if you're stupid.
Body: ONE I recently went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could

have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code
she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK,"
and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into
my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an
alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out
of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the
mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him
in
to emergency

Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid.

[chrissy29902]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[chrissy29902]

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH...LOL!

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.


:beer:

[burns]

Due to the extreme liberal climate o Political
Correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians,
Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer

to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".

And furthermore...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE: or a "CHICK" - She is

a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is

"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a

"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a

"PREVIOUSLY-COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is

"REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -

She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -

She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes

"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is

"SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has

developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is

"OVERLY CAUCASIAN".

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"

- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE

DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in

"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He

prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL

RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"

- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

[burns]

Little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

[Kat_Mac]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping......

[dumwinnie]

i doubt that they were clapping, i think they decided that they would rather take the plunge instead of having to listen to another second of her nagging.

[burns]

:lol:

[chrissy29902]

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials? The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, Nothing. The doctor is really puzzled now and says, You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?

The man replies, Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.

[chrissy29902]

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

[burns]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "DAAAAMMMNNN, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

[burns]

A bro was riding his scoot when he collided with a little bird.
Thanks to his helmet the brother was all right, but the little bird looked dead.
He was a kind man, and took the bird to a vet.
The doctor said that nothing was wrong with the bird, just knocked-out.
So the biker, went home, built a coop to put the bird in.
Put in a cup of water and some pieces of stale bread, then covered the coop.
When the little bird woke up, he looked at his cell, the water and the stale bread,
and thought: Oh shit, I MUST HAVE KILLED THAT DAMNED BIKER!

[Kat_Mac]

Catholic Girls


A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
.
St. Peter asks the first girl..........
"Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies..........
"Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
.
St. Peter says..........
"OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.

.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question.........
"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
.
The girl is a little reluctant but replies.........
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
.
St. Peter says..........
"OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
.
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says..........
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies............
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[Kat_Mac]

Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda.
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.


Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.



Top 10 Reasons Sportbikers Don't Wave:

10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond.
8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear.
7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket.
6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.
5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
4. Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.
3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on.



Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back

10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."
8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!.
4. Wires from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced.
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.

lol

[burns]

Subject: Fw: Landing Instructions





Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on
runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R -Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway
9R. -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah
'hey' for us -- ya hear?."

[burns]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything
involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck
his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his
students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and
sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and
told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in
my
Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[chrissy29902]

BLONDE JOKE.......




There were two blondes laying on the beach at night looking up at the moon. One blonde says to the other “What do you think is closer…California or the moon?�

The other blonde thought for a moment and then said “the moon…duh…you can’t see California from here�

[burns]

THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS!

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE THEM SO

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!


HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'Cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his Teacher a note from his Mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by my son are not necessarily those of his Parents."



KETCHUP
A Woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the! phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."



MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the Women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchair! s, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered "The Tooth Fairy will never believe this!"



DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her Parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."



SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her Mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice! , he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear

[burns]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one
by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young

lady,how would you excuse yourself to tell her that you have to go to the
rest room," she asked.


"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.


The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you

John, how would you say it?"


"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to

say the word 'bathroom' at the table."


"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us

your good manners."


I would say,"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to

shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I'll introduce you to
after dinner."


The teacher fainted

[Kat_Mac]

This is a long one, but I enjoyed it.

Offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:


The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.


The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.


Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."


The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

-----------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

-----------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

-----------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

---------------------------------------

(Gary)


Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

-----------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

-----------------------------------------

(Gary)

Bitch.

-----------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

-----------------------------------------

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

-----------------------------------------

(PROFESSOR)


A+ - I really liked this one.

lol

[burns]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Kat_Mac]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore .....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" – She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" – She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" – She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIB LE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" – She is a "LIGHT-HAIR ED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" – She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" – She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" – She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" – She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you – She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" – She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" – She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" – She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" – He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" – He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" – He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" – He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" – He be comes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" – He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" – He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" – He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants – It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

[Kat_Mac]

A blonde walks into a bank in Chicago and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using! a $250 ,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in Chicago can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Doc]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

Sh e paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"

[dumwinnie]

typical

[SUM650]

Anyone have any good old jokes?

[Doc]

:eek:

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h93/madhatter843/4d977b87.jpg

[Red_R6]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".


:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Red_R6]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
1. Men are like ......Laxatives......... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like......Bananas......... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather....... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders .You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars ....... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .......Commercials......... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .......Department Stores .Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds......... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .Mascara......... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ......Popcorn......... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ......Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps......... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ........Parking Spots......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."The boy,
pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad
does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his
mother: Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
he talks, the dumber he gets.
__________________

[Red_R6]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads..
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[Red_R6]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Loves my family and my mother,
no wandering eyes for another.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a hot looking, deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store, a big screen TV and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

[Red_R6]

Scenario:

You are traveling in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
double decker bus and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at
the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the
same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Scroll down for the answer...






























Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're hammered.

[Red_R6]

Some people are like Slinkies....
Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

[Red_R6]

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large
sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?


We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you get on ! your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third
bar!"

[Red_R6]

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies,"Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[Red_R6]

Shit is easily the most powerful word in the
English language. You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit

Together, find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,

Buy shit,
Sell shit,
Lose shit,
Find shit,
Forget shit,

And tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit
While others can't tell
The difference
Between shit and cineole.

There are lucky shits,
Dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, chicken shit, and horse shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit,
Catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
Or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit,
Or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
Some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
The right shit, the wrong shit or
A lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
Have a mountain of shit, or find
Yourself up shit creek
Without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
And other times you swim in a lake of shit and come
Out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
Basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't
Need to know anything else!

[Red_R6]

>>A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red MG sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
>>
>>The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
>>
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
>>
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
>>
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Red_R6]

this is to be sung to the tune of I will survive

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
jeans!
Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

[Red_R6]

Management Exam

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!




1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?














The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.





2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



























Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.


Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.






3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...
except one. Which animal does not attend ?


















Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer
the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show
your true abilities.











4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do
not have a boat. How do you manage it?



















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.




According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

[Red_R6]

A husband and a wife sit down to dinner...

The wife looks over at the husband and says "Hunny, I think I want to get boob implants, mine are just too small... "

And the husband says "Yeah, they have always been kind of on the small side, but instead of getting implants, I know something that works....

"Just rub tissue on them about 3 times a day for a few years, and I am SURE that they will get bigger"

And she says "ARe you sure this is going to work... ?!??!"






And he said "Well it sure worked for your ass!"

[Red_R6]

Catholic Girls

A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. . St. Peter asks the first girl.......... "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies.......... "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." . St. Peter says.......... "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate. . St. Peter asks the next girl the same question......... "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" . The girl is a little reluctant but replies......... "Well once I fondled and stroked one." . St. Peter says.......... "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." . All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. . When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says.......... "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies............ "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[Kat_Mac]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See...............Men just don't listen !

[Doc]

Is it me, or have things gotten really hostile towards men in here lately? :club:

[dumwinnie]

it's easy when you're bitter or completely (and aimlessly) driven by estrogen.

it's easy when you're bitter or completely (and aimlessly) driven by estrogen.
AKA= [glow=red:7b79e3033c]PMS[/glow:7b79e3033c]

[Kat_Mac]

Ya'll talk smack on the forum when you're safe behind your cozy little computer, but wheres the lip when I'm around.

*placing away cans of whoop ass in purse now*

[burns]

Women, can't live with them. Can shoot 'em!

[dumwinnie]

Women, can't live with them. Can shoot 'em! and because of new technology, gettin kinda hard to to "hide" them.

ms. kat, you know i'll continue to talk. don't forget to bring a can opener!

[Red_R6]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure"? She protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom . He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and
returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"? "The vet shrugged. I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report
and the cat scan, it's now $150

[Kat_Mac]

Not really a joke, but still pretty neat.


PEROXIDE IS WONDERFUL!

"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store.
My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars."

1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe) No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (Small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle)

2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free of germs.

3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.

4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.

5. I had fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.

6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxde for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.

8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.

9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.

10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.

11. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.

12. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.

13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.

14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing which is why I love it so much for this.

I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.

[Doc]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That DAMN Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[Red_R6]

Ed Zachery Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

[Doc]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Doc]

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving

his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives.

Suddenly, he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to

speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he

points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of

heavy romantic activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills

them.



The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?



The chief replied, "My bike."

[Kat_Mac]

CURTAIN RODS - PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and
collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.
In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the
house. ..The maid quit...A month later, even though they had cut their
price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Kat_Mac]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr.”
"Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key."

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's privates hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned -----My girlfriend's gone, too!"

[Doc]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.


She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly responds, "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids!"

[Kat_Mac]

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear
Abby were a man?

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my
best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of
you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only
settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far
from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old college
roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive,
maybe you should let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him
and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform
oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a
great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know
this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on
him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The
best thing to do is to thank him by performing it
twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young
single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a
more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can
rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the
house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he
is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing
to do when he gets home is for you and your best
friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice
meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If
you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask
your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and present it to your
husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish
guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious
meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should
seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very
stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available
to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your
man as much as you should - he should never have to
work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral
on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and
goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps
you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Kat_Mac]

During a cabinet meeting, the entire cabinet looked up at a video screen as a lieutenant Colonel briefed everyone on the casualties of the previous day.

"Three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday," he said.

Immediately, President Bush's eyebrows furrowed and his eyes began to get misty.

"Oh my God," the President mumbled.

The other cabinet members sat quietly, sneaking quick glances around the table wondering what in the world is going on. Finally, after a few minutes and wiping the tears from his eyes, the President looked up and said..........

"Dick........How many is a brazilian?"

[Red_R6]

LOL


:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Red_R6]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[the_MAC]

i read these somewhere...the first one is my favorite.


Q: why don't they teach driver's ed and sex ed on the same day in iraq??

A: they don't want to wear out the camel...


Q: what's the definition of 'making love'??

A: something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her...


Q: why do women call it PMS??

A: mad cow disease was already taken...


Q: how do you know when its bedtime at the neverland ranch??

A: when the big hand touches the little hand...


Q: why is divorce so expensive??

A: because its worth every penny...

[burns]

Pick Up Lines

Redneck ones....

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up.

[burns]

And that's the way it was....

Ain't this the Truth
> Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S.
> Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader
> of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last
> request before they were beheaded.
> Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
> hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
> returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
content."
>
> Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O
Canada"
> one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the
> Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
> Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he
could
now die peacefully.
>
> Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out
my

> tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to
happen.

> Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job
till the end." !
>
> The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Roberts
> dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
>
> The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
> final wish?"
>
> "Kick me," said the Marine.
>
> "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
>
> "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me as hard as you can,"
> insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and
kicked him in his
> backside.
>
> The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
> pistol from inside his fatigues, and shot the leader dead. In the
> resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
> carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the
Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their
> lives.
>
> As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked
> him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you
ask them to kick
> you first?"
>
> "What!" replied the Marine, "And have the three of you report that I
> was the aggressor?
>
> ____________________________________
>

[burns]

This crusty ole biker walks into a bar out on a long stretch of Nevada highway. He adjusts his eyes to the inside lighting and reads a sign. Cheeseburgers $ 2.75, Hamburgs $ 2.50, Chicken salad sandwich $ 2.95, hand jobs $ 10.00. He strides up to the bar and spies a purty young bar maiden taking some miners oders. He says " Are you one of the girls givin hand jobs?" She purrs "Why yes, I am" He promptly replies "Why don't ya wash yer hands and put me a cheeseburger on the grill"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A biker walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, What's with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Sportbike with your choice of options.

The biker certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the biker gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK" the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm.

You've gotta make things right for her."

The biker is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the biker has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,

"Where ez zat tequila?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . silence... Just when they think the biker surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says...

"Where's the Bitch with the sore tooth?"

[burns]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom.


Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?"


"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[burns]

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[burns]

A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blond. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist. "Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looksat it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

[Surfdancer]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."



:doh:

[Kat_Mac]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot Valentine's Day. His wife was really ticked. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[Kat_Mac]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket, I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him nasty names. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "Doughnut eating Fatso." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

[burns]

THE TRANSITION HAS BEGUN


http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s256/burns421/image001lofd.jpg

Hillbillery

[Kat_Mac]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course,

I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

[Kat_Mac]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Kat_Mac]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

[Kat_Mac]

An interesting but not too surprising study revealed that the features a woman finds attractive in a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned at this time.

[burns]

A biker walked into the local barber shop and ask the old barber if he had anything for baldness."I sure do." replied the old barber, without lookin' up from his work, as he clipped away at the man's hair who was sittin' in the barber's chair.
The biker waits a few seconds for the barber to tell him the cure, but the old man just continues his work. "Well ye old gesser, are you gonna' tell me what it is?" The biker ask impatiently.

The old barber finally looks up to see who was speaking to him. "Yeah, I can tell you young feller, but you ain't gonna' believe me when I do".

"Well, you old fucker, you ain't gonna' know until you tell me." The biker was starting to get pissed off.

"Ok young feller. I'll let you in on my little secret. The sure fire cure for your baldness is pussy juice." The old man said with a smile.

The biker busted out with laughter. "why you old son of a bitch, you're even balder than I am."

"Yup, dats true young feller. But now you gotta' admit, I got one hell of a nice mustache.

[burns]

If your scooter has more miles rolling to the bike shop to get chrome than to the local tavern to get a beer, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you won't drink a beer unless it has a lime in it, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you think the term “old lady” refers to the 75 year old battle ax that lives two houses down, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you ever skipped a bike night because you didn't have time to clean the scooter, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you toss out a T-shirt because it got an oil or grease stain, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you get more excited watching your buddy flash his new chrome than his ol lady flashing her new tits, you just might NOT be a biker.

If the first anniversary of your new scooter comes before its 5000 mile service, you just might NOT be a biker.

If the bar you hang at serves drinks with umbrellas in them, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you ever told your ol lady to “go put a bra on” because her T-shirt showed too much nipple, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you and/or your ol lady walk around the bike show in chaps when it's 90 freaking degrees outside, you just might NOT be a biker. (unless the ol lady just has a thong on with her chaps of course)

If you get offended by the gals dirty dancing with each other on top of the picnic table you are grubbing at, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you have ever opted not to stop at a café or bar because there were scooters parked out front, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you ever left the scooter at home because it was too much of a pain in the ass to move the cage out of the way, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you would rather catch up on your reading than go for a putt, then you just might NOT be a biker.

If you always make sure the ride ends early enough so that you have time to “clean the Motorcycle,” then you just might NOT be a biker.

If you only attend bike rallies that have RV hookups, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you call the dealership to schedule your next oil change, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you have your Harley T-shirts dry cleaned, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you have ever chosen not to ride one day because it “might rain”, then you just might NOT be a biker.

If you missed the Sturgis rally because your trailer was still in custom paint, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you replace your scooter's rubber because of tire rot instead of tire wear, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you get a “temporary” tattoo at the bike show, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you have ever left a bar because of their poor wine selection, you just might NOT be a biker.

If your 2500 mile oil change only comes around every 6 months, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you don't have a tent and bed roll that straps on to your scooter, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you ever saw a broke down biker and chose not to stop and help because he (or she) looked “SCARY”, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you overhear a biker ask his bro how “Lizard” is and you think he is talking about his pet iguana, you might NOT be a biker.

If your still trying to figure out why I keep referring to scooters instead of motorcycles, you just might NOT be a biker.

If you are offended or confused by any of the above satire, YOU JUST MIGHT NOT BE A BIKER.

[DK]

IF:

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...

..You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

..You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

..You have more wives than teeth.

..You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

..You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

..You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a
helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

..You've ever had your camel repossessed.

..You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

..You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your
robe.

..You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.

..You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

..You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

..You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

..You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."


Keith Mattix

Keith Mattix

[slosir]

somehow that doesn't suprise us randy-lol

[mccutch2u]

i guy cruises the blvd and picks up aprostiute
they go to the hotel and have sex and afterwards she says
you're a dr aren't you and he says yeah how did you know
she then says because you washed your hands before and after sex
well then he goes I bet you can't guess what type of dr
and she says sur thats easy, you're an anesthesiologist aren't you
he then says how in the hell did you guess that
she says , because i didn't feel a thing during sex

[Kat_Mac]

Garage Commandments

1.The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.

2.The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.

3.Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.

4.Honor thy rags.

5.Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.

6.Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position.

7.Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.

8.Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.

9.Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.

10.Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.

11.Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?

12.Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway.

13.Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.

14.Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.

15.Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.

16.Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air.

17.Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.

18.Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.

19.Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed.

20.A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand.

21.Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged.

22.Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.

23.I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

24.Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.

25.Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.

[MrDude_1]

Garage Commandments

1.The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.

2.The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.

3.Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.

4.Honor thy rags.

5.Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.

6.Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position.

7.Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.

8.Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.

9.Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.

10.Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.

11.Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?

12.Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway.

13.Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.

14.Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.

15.Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.

16.Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air.

17.Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.

18.Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.

19.Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed.

20.A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand.

21.Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged.

22.Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.

23.I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

24.Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.

25.Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.

hmmmmmmmmm.
sounds like my garage. :wtg:

[Mike]

A year in the life of a bloned:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[Professor Fate]

Irishman walks out of a bar...

[Professor Fate]

The jokes inside.

[tattman77]

Little johnny walks in to his parents bedroom and finds his parents having sex.
Little johny's dad looks at him with a big smile on his face and gives him a nod.
Two days later little johnny's dad walks in to little johnny's room to find little johnny banging his gandmother.
Little johnny looks over at his dad and says "It's not so funny when it's your mom is it".

[Kat_Mac]

Christmas Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring for Christmas so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

(I don't like diamonds but this one was too funny to pass up).

[Professor Fate]

Miss Kat....You ain't right! :smilebig:

[burns]

Playing for Brett this week



The Green Bay Packers delivered a shocking announcement today. Their
starting quarterback this Sunday will be Mrs. Brett Favre, who will
play forBrett during the first quarter. Fans in Green Bay were shocked when this announcement was made, but Mrs. Favre assured the fans that, "Hey, I know this game. I live with Brett. I have taken several road trips on the team plane. I've gone to the pre-game meal. I know a lot of the Packers. I've played around with a lot of the Packers in the backyard. I've
tossed the football with them, and I know what a slot right 60-Prevent-Slot-Hook-And-Go is and I know how to avoid a corner blitz." So they polled the people in Green Bay, 50% of Packers fans are excited, motivated, looking forward to the big game.

All right, you think that's ridiculous? Let me reread this. In a
shocking announcement today, Mrs. Hillary Clinton announced that she is
running for president of the United States because she knows Bill Clinton and has lived with him, and she was there on a lot of trips to China and around the world, and she really cared about kids for 35 years. She's fought and she stood up for kids, and she's tried to fix health care, and she knows fifty percent of the American people say, "That's good enough for us."

Ignorance is bliss?????

[Kat_Mac]

An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter...

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.


NAME_____________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________

GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

__________________________________________________ ___________

__________________________________________________ ___________

_____________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________
Mother's Signature


________________________________
Father's Signature


________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi


________________________________
State Representative/Congressman


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.


Thanks

[Mike]

I see you're ready for when Asia starts dating :lol:

[MrDude_1]

I see you're ready for when Asia starts dating :lol:

aw dammit.. now i gotta go get me a black hood, mask, black ninja shoes....

[DK]

Think before you speak (http://www.rijeka.com/phun/general/quotes02.htm)

[MrDude_1]

I think this one was already posted on here buuuuut....



A horse, a chicken and a Harley

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> > On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
> > together.
> >
> > One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began
> > to sink.
> >
> > Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
> > farmer for help!
> >
> > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
> > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
> > to town with the only tractor.
> >
> > Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
> >
> > Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
> > of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
> >
> > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
> > chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
> > the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
> >
> > After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
> > chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
> > bike, rescued the horse!
> >
> > Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
> > and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
> >
> > The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
> > Best Pals.
> >
> > A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
> > began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
> >
> > The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
> > puddle.
> >
> > Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy
> > and he would then lift him out of the pit.
> >
> > The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
> > saving his life.
> >
> > The moral of the story?
> > (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
> >
> > "When You're Hung Like A Horse,
> > You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

[Sweetruss]

So I was in court the other day and this old couple was in front of me looking worse for wear. The judge called a ladies name and the the old lady got up and walked in front of the judge. The judge ask "Do you know why you are here today?"
"Yes" said the old lady
"you were caught stealing from the publix food store, is that right?" said the judge
"Yes I was" the old lady replied.
"What did you steal?" asked the judge.
"I stole a can of pears" she replied.
"Why would you steal a can of pears from the food store?" the judge asked.
That's when I really felt bad for this lady. She said "I don't have a job and I don't have money to buy food. My husband doesn't work and we can't afford to buy food right now."
the judge looked at the lady and asked "How many pears were in the can you stole?"
"Two." the old lady replied.
"I will send you to jail for two days to show you that stealing is unacceptable in this state, no matter what the excuse." the judge said.
I was about to give the lady the money for the pears when the old man that was sitting next to her jumped up and yelled "Your Honor!"
The judge asked "who are you and what do you want?"
The old man said "I'm this ladies husband and I have something to say!"
"Go ahead then sir." said the judge.
"She stole a can of peas too!" the husband replied.

[MrDude_1]

> One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from
> across Pennsylvania Ave. , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
>
> He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
> and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
>
> The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
> reside here."
>
> The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
>
> The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
> the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
> Hillary Clinton."
>
> The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
> is not President and doesn't reside here."
>
> The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
>
> The third day, the same man appro ached the White House and spoke to
> the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with
> President Hillary Clinton."
>
> The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
> and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
> asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
> Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
> understand?"
>
> The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing
> your answer!"
>
> The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,
> Sir."

[Mike]

"The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

:lol: That's funny as hell

[DK]

Comedy by Bill Hicks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDW_Hj2K0wo)

:hail:

[MrDude_1]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at

the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan you needed to convince you..."


:lol:

[Nash]

:smilebig:

[MrDude_1]

dammit.. merging my thread into this one takes the fun out of posting it... people are supposed to see the title 'dead duc' by me, and laugh about that too... not just the joke.

im going to complain to management!!

[Scootimus]

Yeah, I was thinking you laid it down good so I was sooo disappointed. Oh well, maybe next time.

[DK]

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say ...

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"
"Make sure his balls are wet."

[Scootimus]

I like the way this guy thinks.

[Mike]

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say ...

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"
"Make sure his balls are wet."

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will cast a shadow on the memory of dozens of Texas GI's that died defending America's moral standing and the US Constitution, then I just have four things to say...

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"
"Make sure his balls are wet.
"Get me the Constitution and some white-out."

[Professor Fate]

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
Unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
Pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has
Two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed
According to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 " Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
Sent by my Sis~n~law...Go figure :doh:

[MrDude_1]

anyone catch Jay Leno' monologue last night?

"Hillary Clinton was in Phillidelphia today where she compared herself to Rocky Balboa...

Now if I remember the movie correctly, Rocky gets the crap kicked out of him and then ends up losing to the black guy!"

:lol:

[mccutch2u]

but always made the come back........................ we have noone worth a shit to vote for and how could we................who would want to fix all of the problems that will be left.....the war the economy

[Professor Fate]

RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the defini tion of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practise safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.*****

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

[MrDude_1]

A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Louisiana Cajuns
are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the the lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game.
The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer insists that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Cajun's turn.
He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.
He uses the airphone; he searches the net, and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500.

The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Louisiana Cajuns . . . .
They only talk dumb . . . .



---------------------------------------------

Bear and Rabbit were walking along in the forest when Rabbit saw a magic lamp.
Rabbit rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
The Genie said" I can give only 6 wishes and since there are two of you, you may have 3 wishes each. What do you wish for?"
Bear went first "I wish I was the most Handsome bear."
The genie clapped his hands and he got his wish.
Then Rabbit went " I wish I had a bouncy ball."
The genie clapped his hands and a ball appeared.
Then Bear went again "I wish all the female bears loved me."
The genie granted him his wish.
Then Rabbit went." I wish I had a scooter."
The rabbit got his scooter and was riding around on it when Bear said "Your so stupid, those are not wishes. You should wish for actual things, like me."
So Bear made his final wish " I wish ALL the other bears were female." and so they were.
Rabbit sat there long and hard thinking of his third wish then he said " I wish Bear was gay."



---------------------------------

Political Farming

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure if this has been posted before...



DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.



REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

-------------------------------------

Celebrity dies...another sad story.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 years of age.
Mister Doughboy was buried in a lightly buttered tin coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered his eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy initially rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. Although always welcome, he was never considered to be a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Known for being a little flaky at times, he was a crusty old man, yet still was considered a positive roll model for many.

Mr. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[mccutch2u]

not sure if I posted this on but here you go............

Guy is cruising the blvd and picks up a prostitute then goes back to the hotel,
they have sex and the afterwards she says "you're a doctor aren't you,
he replies yes, how did you know? She answers because you washed your hands before and after sex. He then says wow, but I bet you can't tell me what kind of Dr. I am and she says yeah you're anesthesiologist aren't you? He says how in the hell did you know that and she replies because I didn't feel a thing during sex

[MrDude_1]

http://fastgm.com/travis/RRowned.jpg

[MrDude_1]

Ted works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.



The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Ted! How ya doin?'



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Ted... 'He's on my bowling team.'



When they are seated, a waitress asks Ted if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Ted starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Teddy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'



Ted's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Ted follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Ted tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.



The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Ted, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[JMP781]

That's great, lmao!!!!

[Chad]

I am sure people like the hammer and nash have heard this one before so...im an sorry to all who have heard this years ago:alright:






For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
Would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise
The child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the
Child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.:lol::lol:

[Turbo storm]

So why would Nash and Hammer already know this joke?

[Chad]

Well Dan the last joke I posted there old asses heard it a long long time ago. Then what maybe true but what Mr.Rooney did not say I got reemed for. So im just beating them two idiots too the punch. Oh mybad I did not research it too see if this JOKE really happened damn how STUPID of me:wall:

[MrDude_1]

I thought the joke of the week was Chad... I was going to say congratulations.

[thehammer69]

Well Dan the last joke I posted there old asses heard it a long long time ago. Then what maybe true but what Mr.Rooney did not say I got reemed for. So im just beating them two idiots too the punch. Oh mybad I did not research it too see if this JOKE really happened damn how STUPID of me:wall:

I haven't seen this joke before... So don't worry Chad, your track record of being wrong is still going strong. :lol:

[Chad]

LOL..i WASN'T WRONG....I was just getting ahead of you guys incase I was:lol:

[Surfdancer]

Leroy goes to the Parish revival and listens to the priest. After awhile, the priest asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the priest asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Father, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The priest puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the priest removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Father - it ain't 'til next Wednesday.'

[fasterthanyours]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[fasterthanyours]

Sorry didn't know there was already a thread

[Kat_Mac]

Making a Baby…

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, and just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.

'Bathtub, couch, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes ... . Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted!

[fasterthanyours]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

------------------------------------ -------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in fir st?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake. &nb sp;

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men?

until they can walk down the street wit h a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.






Wedding cake jokes is my favorite.

[Kat_Mac]

http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll80/trip683/quotes/ATT81.jpg

[dumwinnie]

http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll80/trip683/quotes/ATT81.jpg
i do remember hearing someone say that a particular member on this site looked so "cute" while he was on his chopper.

[fasterthanyours]

LMAO Not me, I'm a fat a$$

[Kat_Mac]

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...


1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.


Gay

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.


Gay

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.


Gay

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.


A Real Man

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.


Gay

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.


Gay

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.


Gay

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.


Gay

[Mike]

I'm watching Chocolate News. It's irreverent, counter-PC, and pretty damn funny.

Here's more or less a joke they told on it (with a few beeps):

So there's this hillbilly fucking his sister, when the sister starts giggling.

Puzzled, the hillbilly asks, "What's so funny?"

The sister replies "Oh, it's nothing, it's just that you fuck just like daddy."

...to which the hillbilly replies "Funny you should say that, mom told me the same thing."

[ND4SPD]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!



Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes

of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm
broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have
at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke'
do
you not understand?'

[fasterthanyours]

I had that happen to me last year, minus the cow manure.

This guy actually took my big thing of salt and dumped it on the floor. Told me his vacuum would get it all. To which i replied it better! A few swipes of his vacuum and it's still pulling salt out of the carpet. Then I made him vacuum the carpet with my Hoover :D We counted how long it took, 175 swipes LMFAO! The Hoover has an indicator of particles in the air stream lol To which I state, "You know, that might have took a really long time, but now I know for sure that it's clean. I'm glad you did it."

That SOB took 2 hours of my time and then hung around my house waiting on his ride. They suck you in though, because these 2 really hot chicks came to the door to make the appointments. I thought some hot chick was coming back, NO! I got a middle age fat black guy!!! B*TCHS.

Sad thing, he was willing to sell me this $2000 vacuum for like $400. Almost bought it, but my Hoover's better.

[iamnsxtc]

i do remember hearing someone say that a particular member on this site looked so "cute" while he was on his chopper.
Hey Where did that come from!!! I mean who was that?!!

[07Zixxer]

I would quote some Rodney Carrington but his jokes are too long. For those of you who are familiar with him I will just say one word...

KETCHUP!!!

[fasterthanyours]

I like this other guy, can't think of his name, but he does the bit about Cake.

[dumwinnie]

I like this other guy, can't think of his name, but he does the bit about Cake.

this kind of resonates with kat's gay joke.....

[fasterthanyours]

CAKE!

http://www.jibjab.com/view/124956

[ND4SPD]

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut',
people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit 's innercity residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the
shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[ND4SPD]

http://www.biggeekdaddy.com/sitebuilder/images/Virgins_in_Heaven-637x242.jpg

[Mike]

http://www.biggeekdaddy.com/sitebuilder/images/Virgins_in_Heaven-637x242.jpg

:lol: OK, now that's pretty f'n funny.

[the_MAC]

my brother's wife sent me this one the other day. don't get excited, travis, its just a joke...


"if a drop of semen holds more life than a drop of blood, then why doesn't Dracula just suck dick??"


a fitting joke for the season, eh??

[MrDude_1]

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang:

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here it comes....

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

[Mike]

Hey-sus that was dumb :lol:

[Surfdancer]

This is a true story. It happened in Pecos New Mexico , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by. The storm was so strong; he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life. Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve.
Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.
About a half hour later, two other guys walked into the same cantina and one said to the other, 'Mira, Pedro. That's the jerk that got in the car while we were pushing.

[ND4SPD]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[fasterthanyours]

That's a good one.

[MrDude_1]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a motorcycle in there!”

[ND4SPD]

An engineering student was walking across campus when
another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[Mike]

(you have to sound out the answer for this to make sense)

What do you call a proctologist in Jamaica?

Pokémon

[fasterthanyours]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0
Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

[Professor Fate]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?




Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~* If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?




If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?





Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?





If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?





If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?




If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?





What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?





Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?





Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?









If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?





Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?

[fasterthanyours]

Like the last one. Most of theirs is mine most of the time :D

[IceCarver]

An american wrestler is about to face off against the german wrestler. his coach gives him the advice whatever happens dont let him get you in the pretzel lock, you'll never get out of it. so they wrestle for a few minutes and unfortunately the german gets him in his world famous pretzel lock. the american knowing he is done for see's a pair of testicles in front of his face, so he bites them and it works he got out of the pretzel lock. after the match his coach asked how the fuck did you get out of that lock no one has ever done that. the american said "you'd be able to bust out of it too if you bit your own nuts!

[MrDude_1]

Three guys are standing at the gates of heaven.. St peter greets the men and says "well fellas' i hate to tell you this but.. heaven is getting a little over crowded and the big man says i can only let one of you in.. So I'll tell you what.. Each of you tell me how you died and the person with the worst death I will let in." First guy says "Well St. Peter i live on the 12th floor of an apartment building and have been suspecting that my wife of 4 years has been cheating on me. So I came home early from work today and the elevator in the lobby was out of service so I ran up the fire escape all 12 floors. I got to my room she is in bed completely naked dripping with sweat and all out of breath. I searched the apartment franticly trying to find the guy who she was sleeping with.. As I ran through the living room I saw a man hanging from the railing of my balcony with no pants on screaming help. I ran outside with a meat tendorizer and bashed his knuckles until he let go and fell all 12 stories into a big thick bush. He was injured but not dead I proceeded to drag the fridge out of the kitchen and throw it over the railing I underestimated the extreme weight of the fridge and at that point I suffered a massive heart attack and here i am!"

The second man comes to St. Peter and says "Well St.Peter I live on the 13th floor of an apartment building I was out on my balcony watering my plants when suddenly my foot slipped off of the chair and I went over my balcony. At first I thought I was saved.. My pants caught the railing and held me there for a second.. As I turned around to climb back up my trousers ripped and i fell a story and I grabbed my neighbor belows railing.. I clung there for dear life screaming for help.. Suddenly a man came out of the apartment screaming and hitting my hands with what I think was a meat tendorizer.. The pain forced me to let go of the railing and fall into a big thick bush 12 stories down.. I instantly felt both of my legs snap but other than that I was fine.. As i was laying there in agony the crazy man threw his refridgerator off of his balcony and it crushed me.

The third man comes to St. Peter and says ........ "So I'm butt naked inside of this refridgerator right?.....

[unfast1]

Thanks Pete:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...

So I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started
.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

------------------------------------------------------

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
Still fighting



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went
back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...

****


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started ...

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started ...

[Mike]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[fasterthanyours]

Best yet!

[Professor Fate]

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments ha d to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plantand drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old tim ers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had exti nguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"

[fasterthanyours]

Lmao!!!

[burns]

THE LIE CLOCK

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Mike]

Meh... not that funny... I wonder if that joke was made around Nixon's time, or much, much earlier... but I have to ask, what's Nixon's or GW's clock being used for, wind tunnel testing?

[fasterthanyours]

Burns...Funny.

Mike..Even funnier!

[unfast1]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife....



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman
needs something to protect herself with, right?

WAY TOO COOL!?

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution:
There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[fasterthanyours]

Great story, I've read it before.

[Professor Fate]

Subject: Amish Sex







An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was
riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The
girl replied, Put them
between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them
up.' He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was
again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The
girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it
up.' He did and warmed his nose. The day after the boyfriend was again
driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The
next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she
asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes...why do you ask?' The daughter replies, 'They make one
hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!?'

[Mike]

:lol:

[fasterthanyours]

Classic!

[Frosty]

Did you guys hear about the newest medication for depressed lesbians?

-Tridicigan

*i work at a hospital, so all ears on the floor are automitaclly drawn in when they hear something about a new medication.

[unfast1]

Q: What did one condom say to the other condom?







A: "Wanna go to the gay bar and get shit-faced?"

[slosir]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife....



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman
needs something to protect herself with, right?

WAY TOO COOL!?

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution:
There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
lmfao! this ones got my vote for best on the board!

[Scootimus]

That one is funny no matter how many time you read it because we all know someone that we have a mental picture of doing this!

[Professor Fate]

THIS WAS VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2008

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase.. So he asked, 'Son, where
are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room
last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming
too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[the_MAC]

chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding...

[iamnsxtc]

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.


When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'








In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

[Mike]

A stranger in the airport just told me "One time, long ago, a man asked a
woman to marry him. She said no and he lived happily ever after!" what a
beautiful story.

[Professor Fate]

BOOBS AND WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
Through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
Mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
Reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

[Mike]

http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/4176/n32808026335226655435.jpg

[Kat_Mac]

http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/4176/n32808026335226655435.jpg

I just watched 'Enemy of the State' with Will Smith and Gene Hackman the other night. *shivers*

[ND4SPD]

I just watched 'Enemy of the State' with Will Smith and Gene Hackman the other night. *shivers*

Ever see V for Vendetta?

[Kat_Mac]

One of my favorite movies actually, but yes, I love the correlation between that movie and the Nazi era.

[Mike]

...and that it probably drew a lot from 1984, or how England, and yes, the US, are sliding in that direction.

...but hey, this is a dumb jokes thread ya'll, remember? Cheer up... or you'll not really be tortured via waterboarding ;)

[MrDude_1]

Why wouldn't Helen Keller's dog come to her??
.
.
.
.
If your name was mwanahgiammm you wouldn't go to the bitch either.

[MrDude_1]

GEEK jokes:

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
C://dos
C://dos.run
run.dos.run
You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
Unrecognized input, get out of the class
Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
I survived an NT installation
The name is Baud......James Baud
My new car runs at 56Kbps
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
RAM disk is not an installation procedure
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press every key to continue
Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
(001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Computers can never replace human stupidity
A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
Bugs come in through open Windows
Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Thank god, my baby just compiled
Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
Zap! And there was the blue screen !
Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
Shut up, or i'll flush you out
Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal
You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question

[MrDude_1]

geek jokes continued.

Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not
My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
What color do you want that database?
C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can
A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
Quake and uptime do not like each other
Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
God is real, unless declared integer
I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void

[ND4SPD]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with
my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty
raised her back, went Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!',
the Rottweiler ate her!

[the_MAC]

crop circles are chuck norris' way of saying that sometimes even corn needs to lay the fuck down!!

[MrDude_1]

http://licd.com/
http://xkcd.com/

[Professor Fate]

One
Big
Ass
Mistake
America
:lol:

[MrDude_1]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away. ... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER !'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'

[MrDude_1]

Ping Pong Balls

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

[Wings Etc]

you suck

[Scootimus]

you suck
Agreed, I read all that on got nothing from it. I want my 3 minutes of life back.

[MrDude_1]

you suck

:evillaugh::evillaugh::lol::lol:



:smilebig:

[rchecks]

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good.. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool.."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[rchecks]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?""I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.""That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"Thirty-four," she replied

[rchecks]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought
You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 - and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck, Tech Supp

[rchecks]

http://i662.photobucket.com/albums/uu342/rchecks/001301c862f50141acd04e17d20c.jpg

[rchecks]

BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!!

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the
other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.



GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a
prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

AMERICA, THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!

[rchecks]

Drinking with a redneck girl
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol , and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice".
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America

[rchecks]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.


The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!


Have A Nice Day And Be Careful With Your Donkey

[rchecks]

LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!!!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the & F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

[the_MAC]

chuck norris always knows the exact location of carmen sandiego...

[Scootimus]

Damn, Chuck IS da man....... Sorry Dan, you got competition.

[BJ]

I've heard so many Chuck Norris jokes.. It's impossible to play World of Warcraft for an hour without hearing Chuck Norris. lol

[the_MAC]

chuck norris' tears can cure cancer. too bad he's never cried...

[MrDude_1]

chuck norris' tears can cure cancer. too bad he's never cried...

chuck norris did cry once... but only because you can not tell chuck norris what he fucking did.

[Professor Fate]

This 1 is for Mr.K...

While working in a photographic-supply store, I was demonstrating a telescope to a customer who had recently become interested in star-gazing. I pointed out that he could attach his camera to the telescope and take pictures of his celestial findings. "That sounds great," he said, "but wouldn't I need a really big flash?"

[Surfdancer]

Helen Keller Simulator...

http://helenkellersim.com/index.html

[Turbo storm]

Helen Keller Simulator...

http://helenkellersim.com/index.html

Damn! I actually fell for it and waited for at least 5-6 seconds.

See how you do at the above listed site.

[Scootimus]

Damn! I actually fell for it and waited for at least 5-6 seconds.

See how you do at the above listed site.
I got exactly what I expected...lol

[MrDude_1]

I got exactly what I expected...lol

works better if you have a touch screen. :lol:

[Turbo storm]

works better if you have a touch screen. :lol:
That would have helped alot.

[MrDude_1]

Helen Keller Simulator...

http://helenkellersim.com/index.html

the actual source code! :lol:

http://www.fastgm.com/travis/code.jpg

[Turbo storm]

Yea, I knew that.

[Mike]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,




' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch............................................. ............

Naked.